Blog Post #109: Handling Difficult, Challenging, Toxic People
Our most recent podcast guest was the wonderful Kate Nichols who was gracious enough to be a repeat guest for us! Kate is a psychotherapist and a comedian, and we were lucky to meet her when she hosted one of our comedy nights. She had so many great insights from her work with clients on the topic of how to deal with difficult, challenging, toxic people. Here’s a summary of our discussion:
Labeling someone as “toxic” is dehumanizing and we need to be careful how we use this label. The same can be said for the term “narcissist.” People are people first and end up the way they do for many different reasons. That said, there are some difficult personality traits that can lend toxicity to a relationship.
It must be said that Type C people can also be viewed as difficult or toxic because we are typically not speaking up for what we want or need. We seem supportive but we may be angry or resentful underneath.
Different types of difficult traits include:
Passive-aggressiveness, which involves a lot of indirect communication such as sarcasm or pointed comments;
Dishonesty - constantly invalidating, denying your reality, gaslighting;
Narcissistic - most often meaning a pathological inability to accept responsibility or accountability and shifting the blame to other people.
Some of these personality types are a tragic match for Type C, because we are accustomed to mind reading, anticipating needs, and working to keep the peace - these qualities are exactly what difficult people need to function in a relationship.
Usually difficult traits are the result of something that happened to someone. It can be helpful to try to build empathy and compassion for what that person has gone through - which is not always easy, especially if that person caused us a lot of pain. Holding onto anger is worse, however.
Consider the example of a difficult work relationship - a boss who trash talks people, has a large ego, works crazy hours, and/or dismisses the importance of taking vacation.
This dynamic will be very difficult for conflict-avoidant Type C’er who wants to please the boss. Type C’ers will do a lot of monitoring of the environment - staying hypervigilant, trying to fit in, doing what others are doing.
When it comes to vacation, we may think “others are not doing this so I won’t either” even though we know that rest is critical to good health and productivity.
What are some strategies to help? First is learning to manage our own distress tolerance. Uncomfortable feelings are a normal part of life and change. Type C’ers will often take the instant relief of saying “oh, that’s fine, sure” instead of dealing with the more uncomfortable feelings of guilt or angst that comes with upsetting someone else.
Working on coping skills can help - perhaps deep breathing or light stretching before engaging in the conflict. Then, getting clear on what our values are - some examples are quality time with friends and family, a sense of freedom, or a sense of adventure.
Also important is de-personalizing the behavior. With a trash-talking boss, recognizing that this is a pattern that happens with everyone, not just us, and working to not take that so personally.
Consider the example of a passive-aggressive personality type who doesn’t communicate directly, makes pointed comments, sulks, and/or gives the silent treatment. What can Type C do here?
There is a lot of emotional labor when we are on the receiving end - to do the mind reading and the interpreting, trying to figure out what is going on with someone.
Opening the door to direct communication is a good strategy here - ask them “what did you mean by that?” They may not accept the invitation, but we have extended it.
Type C will worry a lot in these situations - that we’ve made a mistake or upset someone. We can work to accept that we may have made a mistake and accept responsibility for it, and we can also accept that other people are going through their own stuff, which they are responsible for and we are not.
A powerful and relevant quote here is “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Credit to Prentis Hemphill for this.
We have to get to the heart of why these relationships matter - we may come to the conclusion that maybe we can let certain ones go. This is hard for Type C’ers who need to be liked by everyone - but really, this is statistically impossible. Not everyone is going to get along with everyone else. This is a normal part of human experience, and it’s ok.
Sometimes Type C will have too much compassion for someone else and make excuses for why someone is treating us poorly. And this is something we need to be aware of and work on - setting better boundaries and having more compassion for ourselves.